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I would tell her I preferred people not knowing my business, while in reality I just liked secrets.

I am not sure when I decided that the loneliness of going out with married women, the sense of being invisible that I experienced when I met their husbands and the sense of not being able to plan my schedule because I was always waiting for small windows of availability all became too much.

The fact that it was in the open made the relationship real and so, to me, feel leaden with responsibility. This is the relationship that I feel saddest about, because I hurt somebody who was important to me.

When I could not find a married woman to sleep with I tried to create drama for myself by going out with women who had boyfriends or with whom I worked.

My parents have had a rocky marriage, my dad cheated on my mom several times and she chose to stay with him because she loved him and because she wanted myself and my siblings to grow up with a father.

I think I was about 18 when she told me this (I'm 25) and it took me months to process.

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A part of me also found that these ordinary relationships made me more vulnerable. The one thing that I have gained from being in a committed relationship, though, has been a sense that I have nothing to hide, that when someone asks me a question I don’t have to think about what lie I might have last told. After this woman, I tried to go out with other married women. This relationship was strange because, as soon as we had sex, she told her husband.He laughed and said he hoped she was having a good time.Afterwards, when I went out with girls my own age, it seemed pointless.For me a relationship needed to contain certain excitements and problems to count.




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